"Are you sure you're ready????"

In the past week, P and I talked about the B subject. It was me who brought it up. I didn't know why now. All I knew was every time I looked at my friend's pictures of her little ones, I have this feeling like I'm missing something in my life right now. P and I are at the happiest that we have ever been right now. So why do I want it change?

How I brought it up was quite juvenile actually. During one midday as we were on the couch watching our shows. During a commercial break, I told him that I needed to ask him something. I pulled him in my arms and tried to look at him straight in the eyes. Once he looked back, I pretty much shy'ed away, giggled, and buried my head on his chest. I couldn't utter the words. I again looked up and tried to retrieve my composure, but again nothing came out of my mouth. He kept waiting for me to say something, but I just couldn't. The show returned, so I told him to forget about it, and continued like nothing happened. It wasn't until the next night, I attempted to ask again. As we were getting ready to bed, I told him again that I had an important question to ask him. This time I wasn't looking at him, but yelling from my closet while he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. I asked him, do you remember the other day I wanted to ask you something. He said yes, and I told him that I was too embarassed to ask him, "ahuh"... I then finally uttered the words, "I think I'm ready." He responded with an ok. I then asked if he knew what I meant. He said, "yes." "How? I said" He said because he knew that it has been on my mind. "Really?" After he asked me if I was sure. "I think so?" I'm getting older and apparently 35 is at the edge of the cliff (that's what my boss told me the other day). I asked when did he thought we should. He said he was unsure. He then asked if I was sure that I am ready to handle a crying baby with a whining dog if he was ever not around. I think so? Either way, I will figure it out right? I'll have to learn to adapt?

So in the last few nights I've been on the net, searching on google things like, "How to get your body ready for pregnancy," "Do you think you're ready?" "How to figure your ovulation schedule," and "How a baby will change our lives." I even looked up what type of exercising I should be doing now and how long of a lead time should I get my body ready before trying baby making. During my searches, I was feeling like of excited and giddy. Is this how it feels when you're ready? Last night before bed, I had P take a quiz on if he was ready for fatherhood, and he scored luckily good. I didn't have a doubt. Then he told me honestly that he was a little scared. Hmm...I couldn't tell him that I felt that too or else it may change our minds again. I reminded him that we can't really afford to wait any longer if I'm getting close to the cliff. And according to our friends, no one is ever ready...you just have to do it! He felt a little assured after that. It seemed that we were finally on the same page and ready to make that leap! Well...

Today I had lunch with 3 of my friends whom I haven't seen for awhile in the City. L brought her new baby boy who I haven't met. And B brought K whom I haven't seen for awhile. I was excited to see the little ones! E was the best baby I've ever witnessed...slept throughout the whole lunch without a peep! K was adorable as ever with her little smile and curious look. I did my usual auntie routine, tried to entertain the lil' K so B can try to catch up with us. K was getting a little fussy so B could barely eat her food, so I swallowed my lunch as fast as I could so I can help take K off her hands for a bit. Once B handed me K, K instantly began to cry. Panicking just a bit, I quickly jumped to my feet and bounced K around, trying to distract her with the scenery around her. It didn't seem to work, so I then tried to lift her up and down in the air (it usually worked with babies), it made her giggle for a little bit, but it didn't last very long. She again started to cry, so up I stood again, trying to distract her as best that I could. All I could think was, hurry B, finish eating and get K! I didn't know what to do to get her to stop. Nothing seemed to work! B finally finished and took K again. Of course, once K returned to her mom's arms, she instantly stopped. Feeling exhausted like I just worked out for 20 minutes at the gym, I slumped down in my seat and gulped my glass of water in less than 5 minutes! Most importantly I felt relieved.

After we parted ways, all I could think about was my experience with K. I couldn't tell P how I felt or else he'll start questioning me again. I have been questioning myself! Am I really ready? When I have my own little one, no one will rescue me from its crying pouts. This would be it, I'm it, I have to deal and figure out what to do. Even if I'm hungry and my plate of food is a few distances away, if that baby is crying, I'll have to tend to it. It won't be all about me, its it. It will be no turning back.

So I ask myself again, "Am I really ready?" How do I know when I'm ready? Will I ever be? If I'm not ready now, when? And will it be too late? Some of friends always knew when they wanted babies, so will I ever know?

Moms out there, I ask you, did you ever go through this? Is this normal? What do you think? Am I ready?