"Are you sure you're ready????"

In the past week, P and I talked about the B subject. It was me who brought it up. I didn't know why now. All I knew was every time I looked at my friend's pictures of her little ones, I have this feeling like I'm missing something in my life right now. P and I are at the happiest that we have ever been right now. So why do I want it change?

How I brought it up was quite juvenile actually. During one midday as we were on the couch watching our shows. During a commercial break, I told him that I needed to ask him something. I pulled him in my arms and tried to look at him straight in the eyes. Once he looked back, I pretty much shy'ed away, giggled, and buried my head on his chest. I couldn't utter the words. I again looked up and tried to retrieve my composure, but again nothing came out of my mouth. He kept waiting for me to say something, but I just couldn't. The show returned, so I told him to forget about it, and continued like nothing happened. It wasn't until the next night, I attempted to ask again. As we were getting ready to bed, I told him again that I had an important question to ask him. This time I wasn't looking at him, but yelling from my closet while he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. I asked him, do you remember the other day I wanted to ask you something. He said yes, and I told him that I was too embarassed to ask him, "ahuh"... I then finally uttered the words, "I think I'm ready." He responded with an ok. I then asked if he knew what I meant. He said, "yes." "How? I said" He said because he knew that it has been on my mind. "Really?" After he asked me if I was sure. "I think so?" I'm getting older and apparently 35 is at the edge of the cliff (that's what my boss told me the other day). I asked when did he thought we should. He said he was unsure. He then asked if I was sure that I am ready to handle a crying baby with a whining dog if he was ever not around. I think so? Either way, I will figure it out right? I'll have to learn to adapt?

So in the last few nights I've been on the net, searching on google things like, "How to get your body ready for pregnancy," "Do you think you're ready?" "How to figure your ovulation schedule," and "How a baby will change our lives." I even looked up what type of exercising I should be doing now and how long of a lead time should I get my body ready before trying baby making. During my searches, I was feeling like of excited and giddy. Is this how it feels when you're ready? Last night before bed, I had P take a quiz on if he was ready for fatherhood, and he scored luckily good. I didn't have a doubt. Then he told me honestly that he was a little scared. Hmm...I couldn't tell him that I felt that too or else it may change our minds again. I reminded him that we can't really afford to wait any longer if I'm getting close to the cliff. And according to our friends, no one is ever ready...you just have to do it! He felt a little assured after that. It seemed that we were finally on the same page and ready to make that leap! Well...

Today I had lunch with 3 of my friends whom I haven't seen for awhile in the City. L brought her new baby boy who I haven't met. And B brought K whom I haven't seen for awhile. I was excited to see the little ones! E was the best baby I've ever witnessed...slept throughout the whole lunch without a peep! K was adorable as ever with her little smile and curious look. I did my usual auntie routine, tried to entertain the lil' K so B can try to catch up with us. K was getting a little fussy so B could barely eat her food, so I swallowed my lunch as fast as I could so I can help take K off her hands for a bit. Once B handed me K, K instantly began to cry. Panicking just a bit, I quickly jumped to my feet and bounced K around, trying to distract her with the scenery around her. It didn't seem to work, so I then tried to lift her up and down in the air (it usually worked with babies), it made her giggle for a little bit, but it didn't last very long. She again started to cry, so up I stood again, trying to distract her as best that I could. All I could think was, hurry B, finish eating and get K! I didn't know what to do to get her to stop. Nothing seemed to work! B finally finished and took K again. Of course, once K returned to her mom's arms, she instantly stopped. Feeling exhausted like I just worked out for 20 minutes at the gym, I slumped down in my seat and gulped my glass of water in less than 5 minutes! Most importantly I felt relieved.

After we parted ways, all I could think about was my experience with K. I couldn't tell P how I felt or else he'll start questioning me again. I have been questioning myself! Am I really ready? When I have my own little one, no one will rescue me from its crying pouts. This would be it, I'm it, I have to deal and figure out what to do. Even if I'm hungry and my plate of food is a few distances away, if that baby is crying, I'll have to tend to it. It won't be all about me, its it. It will be no turning back.

So I ask myself again, "Am I really ready?" How do I know when I'm ready? Will I ever be? If I'm not ready now, when? And will it be too late? Some of friends always knew when they wanted babies, so will I ever know?

Moms out there, I ask you, did you ever go through this? Is this normal? What do you think? Am I ready?

I have the best hubby

I know it's been so long since I wrote. I felt that I had to share how lucky I feel today. I'm so grateful to have such a loving husband, who loves me for who I am even if I get fatter, older and boring. Just a few minutes ago as I was surfing the net while he was doing homework, I mentioned to him that I had a craving for dessert. He suggested that I should eat the frozen chocolate cake in the fridge, but it's just too much chocolate for me. Instead I mentioned how much I missed having tiramisu. Few seconds later, I hear him on the phone putting an order in for a tiramisu to go! OMG! He is the sweetest! I'm so happy that I'm going to be growing old with this man! Thank you God for everything!

After 10 years....

We finally did it!

We purchased our first "our/my" car today. We've been looking for a good commuter car because the Lexis and my Accord couldn't cut it anymore. The Lexus is roomy but a gas guzzler, and my 2-door Honda isn't casual carpool friendly. The past month P has been scouring Craigslist for potentials, and the past 3 weekends we've been driving up and down the Bay, seller-to-seller, looking for "the One" with the best price. It was going to be our first "big" purchase as husband and wife! It had to be near perfect and agreeable to his and my needs.

So, our course, we ended up going wayyyy over budget from what we originally wanted, and our original plan morphed from a good economical 4-door to a two-seater convertible! We were both sold on the convertible last week-it was a perfect sunny Saturday and we test drove the new 2010 with the top down on the highway-it was the best excitement we both had since our wedding! But, P still had his heart set on the more powerful 350Z. Nevertheless, being the perfect husband that he is, he remembered how giddy I was driving the convertible, so he gave up his dreams of owning the '06 350Z for my little 08' miata.

So I'm giving up my old beauty to afford this new toy! And after 10 years+, she and I been through a lot! From college graduation, my move up to the City, to meeting my husband. We first met at the 5 miles mark and now we're departing at the 97K mark. She has been the most trustworthy and reliable friend-through thick-and-thin- and has never let me down, ever! Luckily we'll still be seeing each other since her new owner is only 50 miles away and related. I know she'll give my sister as much life as she gave me!

Hopefully it's sunny next weekend because I can't wait to take this girl with the top down on 280! And just in case, I'm moving the radar to this car!

Unpredicable morning leads to a propitious future...

So it was an interesting morning today for me. P worked from home today so I opted to take the ferry in since I rather not deal with the morning commute alone. When I got to the City, I thought it would be nice to actually walk to work and enjoy the morning breeze. Why rush to work just to be locked up in a cube for 8 hours? The walk along the water boosted my spirits and it was kinda fun to peek into the Piers and enjoy the City scenery- Bay bridge, Alcatraz, Coit Tower. It reminded me of how much I really love the City! It took me 40 minutes to reach the office, but I was still right on time!

The rest of the day was pretty much the same. Annoying follow-up calls to make, endless emails to answer, and new projects to tackle. Towards the end of the day, my boss calls me in to give me a preview of my performance review. She complimented on how well I was doing and how I far exceeded her expectations, which of course was comforting to hear. (I never ever had a bad review in my whole career, but I still have this feeling of nervousness and readiness to embrace for some bad news) Anyhow, she then asked me to give her my growth goals and objectives next year. She wants to really know what I want to do at this company and how I plan to do it. She could tell that I get quickly bored at job, so she wants to be keep interested. So I need to tell her what I'm interested in. Hmmm...how can I really answer that since I'm pretty unsure what I'm interested in right now too? I'm sure that I hate being stagnant and want to grow as much as I can!

I asked her to truthfully tell me what kind of opportunities are there for me for movement. She did again state that there are some difficulty for me to move laterally and interdepartmentally, but it wasn't impossible. It's too early to tell since I haven't been at the company long enough to figure out what and where I could go. She admitted that it's difficult in this company to move up in title and salary but projects and learning growth are endless. I have the opportunity to learn whatever I want and specialize in whatever I'm interested: Trade Practices, Events, TMs, Database management, Regulations, etc. I truthfully responded to her that since I'm still new in the industry, I'm still trying to identify the specialities to determin which I'm interested in. She was definitely willing to give me a piece of everything so I can figure that out. Then, she asked me to think about my title. Since the company is going through some reorganization, i have the opportunity to change my title. Hmmm....what do I want to call myself that will and will not define me here, now and forever? What can I call myself that won't bind me or cap me at the company? What will provide me room for growth? And what is attractive enough for future employment elsewhere? Where is a recruiter or marketer when I need one? I'm never really good at marketing myself!

I figured since we were already talking about my future at the company, I decided to finally ask her the question. Is the only way for my salary and title to grow and to be taken seriously by our parent company, is to pass the bar and be an attorney? Luckily in CA, a person can take the Bar without going to law school if they have been practicing in the industry for so many years. (I basically hit 10+ years already) I've been toying this idea for months since I found out, but there's disadvantages and advantages:

Disadvantages:

1. I won't have the J.D., after my name. Just the title
2. Law school defines your intelligence. The better the schools are, supposedly the smarter you are. And if you don't go to a school at all, then you pretty much aren't that smart. I may even be seen as an ambulance chaser!
3. Law firms are school snobs. No school = no future at a firm. The firms are still filled with the Ivy League brothers, so if I'm not part of their secret society, then my chances of being a partner is dim. But then again, having been at firms for 7 years of my career, life as a partner isn't all that wonderful? I'll have to trade my life and soul again for money and prestige. Hence why I left the firm for inhouse!

Advantages:

1. I save myself from law school debt!
2. I save myself from 2 years of school! Exams, homework, stress, freshman 14! But then add to the disadvantage-I'll miss the experience of attending lectures, having good teachers to learn from, and making friends at school.
3. Since P's in school, we can't afford both of us in school.
4. I get to bypass taking the LSAT again! Yay! Hate stupid arbitrary tests!
5. And finally, a better salary and being respected by the Exec Management at my company?

So my boss honestly answered that her budget didn't include a 3rd attorney, but, it may in the future depending on the company's growth. She would like to have me as an attorney and take on more challenging projects. She didn't think the Exec Management team be against the idea if that's the only way to retain me. She also said she can try to get the company to pay for my bar review dues, but if I don't pass the first time around, I'll have to repay them. Hmmm... I think I rather fork out the money and save myself from the embarassment...in case I don't pass! Well, she added that it will take time for her to expand her budget, so I need to understand that the process will be slow...

So it's funny how life throws curve balls at you. It was just 2 days ago when I finally wrote about my mundane life to the world, and then this happens today. God are you listening? Did you tell my boss how bored I was getting? Or was it that I finally took time this morning, to slow down and enjoy simplicity, and to see clearly, that what I had right in front of me is limitless opportunities. Doors are ready to be opened by me. I'm not stuck in a dead end at all. I just need to choose. Hmmm...I think that's just as hard....door#1 or door# 2?

Dream on dreamer....

After reading K's email today, I know I should be better in reaching out to my friends with a blog. I don't think my life is quite exciting or worth writing about, and I don't quite have the personality to share to others what I think or feel all the time. So I'm still against the fence in writing a blog.

It's pretty ironic that I'm open to sharing my "things" to others but I've very hesitant to share my emotions and feelings. When I was young, I kept a diary but I was always fearful that someone who knew my deep feelings would judge me in a negative way. I wrote a back-up diary just in case it was found, and then I became more paranoid and wrote a back-up diary to that, just in case. I couldn't keep up with 3 diaries, so I stopped. I realized I was fooling myself...pretending and covering. So here I am now, 20 years later, I'm still pretending and covering.

Hmmm....I guess writing could be theraputic and I could reflect on what I did each day. But then again, I would clearly see that my life is very monotonuous and unstimulating, and it would draw up my feelings of fornlorn and lifeless in which I've been trying so hard to pull out from.

Since the beginning of 2010, this is what my daily life consists of: I wake up everyday at 6:30 am and leave the house about 7-730 to deal with traffic. By the time I get to the office it's about 8:30. Some days if I just don't feel like getting up, I delay myself for at least 30 minutes like today, and get in about 9. By the time I'm in the office, I head straight to the espresso machine to get me through the morning. It's pretty sad actually. I gave up coffee 2 years ago, but I finally caved 2 months ago and now need at least a full shot of espresso everyday. I may[not] take a lunch, but I try to get in a walk before I go insane from boredom. I can't chat on the phone, listen to music or IM anymore since I now reside in a cube, so it's pretty hard for me to get through the day. I clock out at about 530-6pm and head straight to the gym for 2 hours doing spinning, palates, or yoga (depending on the day). On days in which P has class in Berkeley, I kill time at the gym until 930 to pick him up. By the time I get home at 10-1030, it's time to sleep to awaken the next day to do this all over again. When the weekend rolls around, it's all about running errands, doing house chores, and trying to find some time to actually enjoy some "non-routine" spontaneous activity. But then what I ever end up doing, is nothing. I don't feel like calling or visiting my friends whom I haven't seen for ages, or want do something fun with P. I just want to be alone and do something mindless. Not to think, not to feel.

But I know that's unhealthy. I think I'm borderline depressed at times, so I try and try with all my might to be positive. Since my birthday, I've been trying really hard to pull myself out of this rut. I've been going to the gym at least 3 times a week, or 4 if I can really motivate myself. I'm slowly feeling better about myself. I haven't noticed any weight loss at all which is quite annoying. I do feel stronger physically, but not mentally. I've been striving to meditate, but my mind goes a-mile-a minute. The only time I feel at peace is when I'm sleeping-dreaming and escaping from reality. My dreams are the only exciting events I get to experience nowadays! Sad, of well...It's time to head to bed!