Bubbles...

I'm barely in week 16 and the cramps are excruciating. According to the websites, my uterus is growing at a rapid speed so the cramps are from all the stretching. Today it was quite hard to concentrate in the meetings with all the pain. Also I felt like bubbles were forming and popping in my stomach. Again according to the sites, the "bubbles" are actually the movements of the baby. Weird. My appetite definitely has grown, but I refrained myself from stepping on the scale.

This weekend RI is visiting and staying with us until Wed. to attend a work convention. It's quite enduring to see how close P and him are again. I'm glad P has some distractions from all the stress from work and school. He finally turned in 3 applications this past weekend. Fingers crossed. On Friday we met up with my cousins for dinner and finally got the chance to share the news personally. P spilled the beans before I can creatively think of a way to surprise them. Of well. It was priceless to see him turn red when he realized that he slipped up! They're happy of course. My cousins didnt fail me with the jokes. It was definitely much needed laughs. Finally gaining some energy back, I spent all Sunday cleaning up the rooms and moving things back in order. I love the new carpets! I still need to figure out the "baby room".

My dreams again have become quite vivid. Last night I dreamt I got on a train from LA heading home. The train was quite crowded. I realized after couple of stops I didn't have a ticket. Being afraid of getting caught by the conductor, I tried to lay low. I was alone and strangers were all around me. I prayed hard that I didn't get caught and kicked off. The stops were so unfamiliar that all I wanted to do was to get back home safely. Unfortunately when I heard the conductor announce the next stop was Oakland, I quickly got off to avoid getting caught. Then I realized I made a mistake. It couldn't be Oakland because I didnt recognize where I was. So I walked in circled in the terminal looking for a clue where I was and how to get home. I asked for help but no one seemed to care. Lines were long and all the attendants at the counter had no patience. I then realized no one understood me and was speaking a different language. Finally I found someone who was willing to call me a cab to take me to alameda, but then asking how much it was, It would cost $200 in which I didn't have. So I was stuck, I decided to leave the terminal to try to find a bus to take me. When stepping outside, I found myself at a deserted parking lot with mo one around. Right across was a cab line but the last one just left. I started to panic. I searched for a pay phone so I can P to get me, but nothing. I was lost and alone. Luckily, I woke up from my dream to use the restroom. I never felt so afraid and alone. Luckily the rest of the night was good.

Anyways, my doctor's appointment is this Wed. So hopefully all goes well. I'm really looking forward to 23rd when P and I find out who we have inside. Lil' P or lil' A? Stay tuned!

Dreams

It happened again last night where I dreamt of blood, lots of blood, later finding out that it was coming out from below...I was bleeding so much it finally dawned I me that I was having a miscarriage. I scared myself so much I woke up to check. Luckily not a reality. Dream moods and the book said it was common to dream about a miscarriage during the 2nd trimester. But really, why is that so??? It's so disturbing! Since I'm so stressed out during the day, why can't my nights be peaceful??? I hope everything is ok with the little one...

Week 14

In the middle of week 14. It was a really hot day today. We ended up going to Walnut Creek to run a quick errand. But I don't know how we always manage to go when it's super hot! The trip sucked all the energy from me. We're slowly moving all the furniture back upstairs and putting the house back to zen order after the carpet was finally installed on Thursday! I actually am quite happy with the color! Been thinking more of how to rearrange the rooms.

As for pregnant me, since I'm feeling much better than my past 3 months, I'm trying as much as I can to do more exercising but the headaches and dizziness still bothering me. The heat isn't helping either. We finally took a picture of my growing stomach but unfortunately I think my butt is still bigger. Sigh. My eating habits are still fickle and ever-changing. Luckily smells are not repelling me too far from meat, but I have yet to eat any pork or beef. I'm definitely getting sick of chicken and trying to alternate to turkey, but it hasn't been easy finding carved turkey. Ham is still too strong for me and the smell of fish is still unappetizing. After getting sick from salad few days ago, I'm trying to be more careful with packaged lettuce. Unfortunately, because of my past experience with heartbeat, cheese, tomatoes and citrus have been off my list. Even the spices and pepppers in Mexican food is very unappealing. I've been drinking lots of vanilla milkshakes for the heartburn but the dairy is really doing a number on my stomach. I can't much take processed foods and potato chips because I can really taste all the sodium. Baby knows fresh from faux. Even candy taste too fake, very plasticy and papery. I definitely have my hubby's baby because it knows and only wants fresh food! At least it helping me slow my down my weight gain.

Also by the way, I finally met up with J & D last week and told them of the news. Their initial reactions were cool, but thereafter I felt alittle disappointed. I wasn't expecting much, but I felt slightly let down. But I received a card from D yesterday that made up for it a bit. Anyhow, it is what it is.

Anyways, I'm counting the days to Thanksgiving when I finally get to know more about my little one. We're armed with both names so either way we're prepared. I told myself no matter what, I won't be disappointed because this little one is an offspring of me and P. No matter what I'll adore it. All that matters is he's healthy, safe and ours forever.

April 15th???

Today was my first trimester integrated screening. I had the NT ultrasound done and resulted with a low percentile for down syndrome, but depending on what my blood work results, I won't know for sure until another week. This time baby C was lounging with not much movement. His heartbeat was about 153bpm, which was good. We received more pictures on a CD. Saw his arms, legs, skeletal outline, and his brain, which was cool. Again, I was mesmerized and speechless as the procedure was being done. All i can do was stare at baby C. The funny thing is that this time the measurement again resulted to a more earlier date of April 15th. I guess it's just meant to be an April baby since it's getting earlier and earlier by the minute. I'm noticing I'm getting more and more protective by the minute. I keep asking myself would it really matter if the baby is not a he, but instead a she? Would I be o.k. With that? I've been surfing the net and trying all sorts of quizzes and old wives tales to see if I can find out, but I kept resulting with a split decision. But replaying the ultrasound image in my head, all I hope is for it to be happy and healthy. I'll feel I'll love you either way. So is this what they mean about maternal love and bond?

So surreal - 12wks 1d

Week 12 day 1-official

Today was my second MD appointment at Dr. M. We're suppose to hear the heartbeat for the first time. P came along again because my appt was @2:45, so hopefully we can head straight home after. I know they listen to the heartbeat first, and if they can't find it, then I get my chance to finally have an ultrasound done. I've been so curious to see what's going on and if he's ok with all the cramps and pain I've been feeling lately. MD M. Was out today so we were scheduled to see the P.A. Wait was long and my patience was thinning. All I can think about was seeing it. After 20 mins, the wait was finally over. She ran the device all around to hear for the beat, and nothing. All i hear was interference. I then started to worry, but she calmed me by saying it may just be that the placenta wall was too thick. At one point I thought I heard it, but mistaken it for mine. She finally gave up and called for reinforcements. I was finally going to get my ultrasound done.

After another 15 minutes wait, I was finally called into the room. The wait got me so worried, I started to talk to the lil guy and prayed for him to give me a sign that he was o.k. Well, he gave a sign all right. There he was, head, feet, and arms. It was so surreal. I was shocked, speechless, dumbfounded, excited and giddy all at once. He kept moving around and jumping around rythmetically the Technician said it seems as though he got the hiccups. Which got me worried and had to ask if he was o.k??? He's just really active. He was quickly moving his arms and feet, I was blown away of how developed he already was! P was quite blown away as well. OMG! It's so surreal! Even now I can't stop looking at the picture and replaying that moment, that feeling all over again. I'm so glad you're alive and kicking! He was beating about 1540hbm. He was 5.53cm long (head to butt), so I was officially at 12 weeks, 1 day, which is 2days further than what was charted. Due date is actually 4/19.

P just scanned the pics so I can start gathering for the scrap book. I have another appt on Monday for the perinatal screening. Hopefully all goes well there. Again P will be there since it's another p.m. Appt. I already sent MMS of the pic to my friends and family. Unbelieveable. It's really happening.....

By the way, I brought down last week and finally gone to pea and the pod for jeans....now that was an experience in itself! I've gained 10 ibs already! Not a good sign. P already said I have a rounder face! Damn the carbs! Unfortunately the nausea is keeping me from fried foods (veggie oil/corn oil), beef, pork, onions and garlic. The heartburn is keeping me from the spicy foods, citrus, cheese, and anything soaking in oil. Basically been living off bread, cereal, apples, grapes, chicken, and basically anything bland. Quite sad. My cheese crave was 2weeks over and now I'm sick of the bun Mai sandwiches I've been eating for lunch 2 weeks straight. I know I need to eat more salads, but the gas and bloating is killing me! I can't even recognize my body! All my dresses and winter coats that I thought I can continue wearing, I can't. Surprisingly, I'm not too keen about getting bigger up top.

Been 5 days....

Since my life has been turned upside down. Last Tues. I took the test because I was I was suspicious that my usual visitor didn't show, and also I needed to find out whether I can drink at the Skyy event. It's been about 1.5 weeks late, but I wasn't quite sure as I realized I forgot to put the date in my calendar again. P was at night school, so I had the house to myself. I managed to find the tester amid the disorderly upstairs. This mess is really ruining my zen lately. Anyhow, I drank a full 8 oz glass of water to ensure I got an accurate result. After 30 mins. I went to the guest bathroom and followed the normal procedure. I sat patiently waiting for the results and watching the lines slowly appear. I didnt get a strong plus, but instead I got a dark vertical line, faint horizontal line crossing with a faint horizontal line in the small window. What does that mean! Unfortunately I didn't have the box or written instructions, so I ran to get the iPad and googled EPT. Luckily the instructions were printed online. I "think" it says positive, but so unsure. I quickly grabbed my bag, jumped in the car and headed for Cvs to buy another tester. I was late 7 minutes, and Cvs closed at 9 on the dot. Maybe Safeway would have it? After roaming the aisles for about 10 mins and finding an employee to guide me, I found the tests, but I was faced with the question of which kind should I get. There were some Safeway branded items on sale, but what quickly ran in my mind was the episode on SATC and Carrie quoting, "i just spent $395 on gucci, this is not the time to be frugal". So I ended up getting the digital stick that tells you the word and avoid having to decipher anymore lines. I picked up some bagel and cream cheese too, because I was too embarassed to pay for this box alone at the register.

I quickly darted home, grabbed another water bottle, and headed upstairs when I heard the garage door open, shoot, P was home early! Got so nervous, I opened the door, smiled at him, shut the door on him, and ran upstairs. When he got in, he shouted, "what are you hiding..." "Nothing" of course I replied, but of course I knew he knew something was up. I pretended to go about my normal night routine, waiting for a good time when he was busy so I could test again. 30 minutes later, he headed to the bathroom to do his normal night routine. Before, I could rush off to the other bathroom, the door opened again. P shouted from the bathroom, "Are you pregnant?!" Whoops, I forgot to shut down the EPT website left up on the ipad! Stunned, and not knowing how to answer...I slyly said, "No, you know I'm always on those sites, reading and trying to be prepared when the time was right." Dumb, Dumb. Really smooth, I know. Oh well, I'm never really a good liar, especially to P. He shut the door, not saying a thing.

It was my cue, so I ran to the other bathroom to test. P normally takes quick showers, so i had to move fast. After peeing with what little urine I had, I waited anxiously for the results. As the hour glass on the stick circled and circled, my anxiety was through the roof....come on results! Finally, it stopped, and what did I get???!!!! Not a "pregnant" or "not pregnant," but instead a "book" icon! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!!! Hearing that P was almost done, I fumbled with the box, which referred me back to the instructions sheet that I ALMOST trashed. "Book error, either too much or not enough urine, try again." WHAT THE HELL?????

Not with much pee left in me, and hearing P turning off the water, frustratively, I discarded the wasted test discreetly in the garbage, and hopped into bed before he came out. I had to wait until tomorrow to try again. It was quite difficult to sleep because of the anxiety, but somehow the tension wore me out.

In the early morning, the first moment I had the urge to pee, I jumped out before the alarm went off. I ran to the other bathroom to take the test the third time. Three times a charm right??? After about 30 seconds of the hour glass cycling...I finally got a result, "PREGNANT." OMG. 2 out of 2. I was stunned and speechless. Didn't know what to say. Kinda happy and kinda freaking out. We weren't really trying but not preventing it either. People said it wasn't easy getting pregnant and it will take time...OMG, it apparently didn't take that much time! I was so lost, I jumped right back into bed, leaving the tests there, and waited for the alarm to go off. How should I tell P????

Finally the alarm went off, I quietly got up, and started my normal morning routine. Fifty questions was going in circles in my mind. P got up, turned on the news, and continued his normal morning routine not knowing what's going on. Finally, I just told him to please get the "scary spider" out of the other bathroom. I listened as he walked into the bathroom and waited for some type of reaction... "What are we going to do now???"

I'm still thinking of the same thing...it was silence all through the morning, and in the car on our way to work. And until this day, I think we are still trying to sort things out in our heads alone...what are we going to do now?

"Are you sure you're ready????"

In the past week, P and I talked about the B subject. It was me who brought it up. I didn't know why now. All I knew was every time I looked at my friend's pictures of her little ones, I have this feeling like I'm missing something in my life right now. P and I are at the happiest that we have ever been right now. So why do I want it change?

How I brought it up was quite juvenile actually. During one midday as we were on the couch watching our shows. During a commercial break, I told him that I needed to ask him something. I pulled him in my arms and tried to look at him straight in the eyes. Once he looked back, I pretty much shy'ed away, giggled, and buried my head on his chest. I couldn't utter the words. I again looked up and tried to retrieve my composure, but again nothing came out of my mouth. He kept waiting for me to say something, but I just couldn't. The show returned, so I told him to forget about it, and continued like nothing happened. It wasn't until the next night, I attempted to ask again. As we were getting ready to bed, I told him again that I had an important question to ask him. This time I wasn't looking at him, but yelling from my closet while he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. I asked him, do you remember the other day I wanted to ask you something. He said yes, and I told him that I was too embarassed to ask him, "ahuh"... I then finally uttered the words, "I think I'm ready." He responded with an ok. I then asked if he knew what I meant. He said, "yes." "How? I said" He said because he knew that it has been on my mind. "Really?" After he asked me if I was sure. "I think so?" I'm getting older and apparently 35 is at the edge of the cliff (that's what my boss told me the other day). I asked when did he thought we should. He said he was unsure. He then asked if I was sure that I am ready to handle a crying baby with a whining dog if he was ever not around. I think so? Either way, I will figure it out right? I'll have to learn to adapt?

So in the last few nights I've been on the net, searching on google things like, "How to get your body ready for pregnancy," "Do you think you're ready?" "How to figure your ovulation schedule," and "How a baby will change our lives." I even looked up what type of exercising I should be doing now and how long of a lead time should I get my body ready before trying baby making. During my searches, I was feeling like of excited and giddy. Is this how it feels when you're ready? Last night before bed, I had P take a quiz on if he was ready for fatherhood, and he scored luckily good. I didn't have a doubt. Then he told me honestly that he was a little scared. Hmm...I couldn't tell him that I felt that too or else it may change our minds again. I reminded him that we can't really afford to wait any longer if I'm getting close to the cliff. And according to our friends, no one is ever ready...you just have to do it! He felt a little assured after that. It seemed that we were finally on the same page and ready to make that leap! Well...

Today I had lunch with 3 of my friends whom I haven't seen for awhile in the City. L brought her new baby boy who I haven't met. And B brought K whom I haven't seen for awhile. I was excited to see the little ones! E was the best baby I've ever witnessed...slept throughout the whole lunch without a peep! K was adorable as ever with her little smile and curious look. I did my usual auntie routine, tried to entertain the lil' K so B can try to catch up with us. K was getting a little fussy so B could barely eat her food, so I swallowed my lunch as fast as I could so I can help take K off her hands for a bit. Once B handed me K, K instantly began to cry. Panicking just a bit, I quickly jumped to my feet and bounced K around, trying to distract her with the scenery around her. It didn't seem to work, so I then tried to lift her up and down in the air (it usually worked with babies), it made her giggle for a little bit, but it didn't last very long. She again started to cry, so up I stood again, trying to distract her as best that I could. All I could think was, hurry B, finish eating and get K! I didn't know what to do to get her to stop. Nothing seemed to work! B finally finished and took K again. Of course, once K returned to her mom's arms, she instantly stopped. Feeling exhausted like I just worked out for 20 minutes at the gym, I slumped down in my seat and gulped my glass of water in less than 5 minutes! Most importantly I felt relieved.

After we parted ways, all I could think about was my experience with K. I couldn't tell P how I felt or else he'll start questioning me again. I have been questioning myself! Am I really ready? When I have my own little one, no one will rescue me from its crying pouts. This would be it, I'm it, I have to deal and figure out what to do. Even if I'm hungry and my plate of food is a few distances away, if that baby is crying, I'll have to tend to it. It won't be all about me, its it. It will be no turning back.

So I ask myself again, "Am I really ready?" How do I know when I'm ready? Will I ever be? If I'm not ready now, when? And will it be too late? Some of friends always knew when they wanted babies, so will I ever know?

Moms out there, I ask you, did you ever go through this? Is this normal? What do you think? Am I ready?